Outdoor Clothing...Really?

Alright. Let's talk about The North Face.

I hike. I camp. I ski. I'm a camp counselor.



The amount of North Face products I own is disgusting.

Am I ashamed? Absolutely.



But then I think of the kids I see around my campus.
They are completely decked out. I mean all you need to do is hit any liberal arts university to find a North Face poster child. It won't take long, I swear.

So let's go over the essential pieces of a male North Face poster child from the waist up:

1. The TKA 100 Glacier 1/4 Zip Fleece ($50)

2. The Denali Jacket ($165-185)

3. The Hot Shot Daypack ($89)

4. The GTO Audio Beanie ($45)


Okay. Numero Uno. The TKA 100 Glacier 1/4 Zip Fleece Pull Over.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with owning this. It is quite practical for lounging, walking outside in the spring or fall, or layering for a ski trip. I'm not even going to say it's not worth $50, because if you truly are one of those outdoorsy crunchy people, it is worth it. But let's add in the rest of the ensemble and then reevaluate:

Numero Dos. The Denali Jacket.
As one of the disturbing amounts of people who own this jacket, I can truthfully say I understand why people buy it. If they find it on sale, that is. The jacket is great. It keeps me warm even in the New England winter, it is perfect for fall and spring temperatures, it works excellently as a layer under a ski jacket on terribly bitter days, and is made from recycled materials. I bought mine for $65 by being thrifty and ordering a large kids size and finding even that on sale.

But $185? Really?? That is completely unnecessary. I don't give a shit if you are your university's most extreme hiker – if you are in college why are you spending $185 on that jacket? It's really not that good looking. Especially when they're all traveling in packs of 'em. Sorry boys, but when you all wear the same thing you look like a bunch of little girls trying to be twinzies. Cute.

Numero Tres. The Hot Shot Day Pack.
Hahahahaha. AAHHHHhahahhaa. I'm sorry. This is hilarious. IT SAYS "HOT SHOT" ON IT IN BIG WHITE VISIBLE-FROM-ANYWHERE LETTERS (and obviously the pack is all black to match the all black Denali jacket).
"I just want you to know that if you don't think I'm a hot shot yet, take a look at my backpack. Even North Face knows I'm hot shit."
No need to say more.

Lastly, Numero Cuatro. The GTO Audio Beanie.
Woah there boy. First of all, beanies went out of style circa 1998. And honestly they never should have been in style to begin with.

Now let's talk about the "Audio" aspect of this particular beanie. The North Face is an outdoors-men company am I right? So why are they designing hats with built in headphones? They say they are "for riders who are in tune with the mountain."

First of all, that pun is dumb.
Second of all, if a rider is "in tune" with the mountain wouldn't music distract him from the sounds of nature going on around him?
The answer is yes. It would. So this makes no sense what-so-ever.
And if you're wearing it around your campus, stop now. Please. For the love of humanity.